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She startled me so much I dropped my non-dairy oat beverage, which you know is vital to my health after that last bout with lactose intolerance at the skating rink. It's the question that keeps haunting us all. No really, who let her in here?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eSpiky Hair Styling Mousse Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 17 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e  \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446936911950,"sku":"KRN-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-karens-241.webp?v=1726755218"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-calm-the-f-down","title":"A Candle for Calm the F Down","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCalm down.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo what if the world is going to hell in a hand basket? It’s like, yoga time. Meditation hour starts now. So pop in those AirPods, crank up the sounds of the rainforest, and reeelaaaax. 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Yep, that's me. Okay, maybe I work two nights a week but I'm telling you, my wife pays all the bills. She's the breadwinner around here and I'm a-ok with that. You got something to say about it? Too bad. And get back to work, corporate slave. 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I have soooo many things I need to tell you since I last saw you 12 hours ago. And nobody else understands my bitching the way you do! We've got our own girl gang and we don't need any new members. So drink up, buttercup. 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You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. 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Yeah, nothing except maybe clean paint and a hint of chocolate chip cookie air freshener. No cat pee, spoiled milk, or the unmistakable stench of sadness. 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Your life is now over.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eBlue Raspberry Jello Shot Scented\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cem\u003eNet Weight: 6.5 oz.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eHand-poured 100% soy wax candle\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eBurn time: approx. 40 hours\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cem\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446944907342,"sku":"WT3-C","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/oh-my-fuck-wtf-candle-994.webp?v=1726755904"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-fuck-this-new","title":"A Candle For Fuck This","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-size: 20px;\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-family: verdana,geneva,sans-serif;\"\u003eFUCK THIS\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-size: 20px;\"\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-family: verdana,geneva,sans-serif;\"\u003eSMELLS LIKE I'M OVER IT\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan\u003eBye, Felicia.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eAmaretto Sour Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eNet Weight: 6.5 oz.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eHand-poured 100% soy wax candle\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eBurn time: approx. 40 hours\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cem\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446944940110,"sku":"WT1-C","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/fuck-this-wtf-candle-197.webp?v=1726755925"},{"product_id":"i-fucking-love-you-candle","title":"A Candle For I Fucking Love You","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-size: 20px;\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-family: verdana,geneva,sans-serif;\"\u003eI FUCKING LOVE YOU\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-family: verdana,geneva,sans-serif;\"\u003eSMELLS LIKE, I MEAN, PROBABLY\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou know how temperamental I can be.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cstrong\u003ePomegranate Champagne Scented\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cem\u003eNet Weight: 6.5 oz.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eHand-poured 100% soy wax candle\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eBurn time: approx. 40 hours\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cem\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446944972878,"sku":"WT2-C","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/i-fucking-love-you-candle-wtf-598.webp?v=1726755935"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-the-first-child","title":"A Candle for The First Child","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eYou just had to have your own soap.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, it’s only natural that you should get a candle. You were first, right? The eldest. The most important. But you’re also the family guinea pig, the one who is always the most responsible, and the one who must succeed at all costs. 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Like I have to ask. I'll see you at 5:01 p.m. on our usual stools at our usual spot with our usual drinks. There's such comfort in rituals. Speaking of rituals, I'm in the bathroom right now Snapchatting you on my fourth break of the day. Only two more breaks and it's five! 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It's fine.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm totally not going to write anything for this soap. It's fine. I'm sure you're fine with that. Totally fine. I mean, you only offered me a glass of lukewarm tap water when I came to your party. So it's fine. Not payback or anything. 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And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don't judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don't leave the toilet seat up. 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It only took us six shots of Fireball to get here. Tonight, I mean. The shit show of my life needs no lubricant. All I have to to is roll out of bed, avoid the mirror and slink off to my day job to count the hours until it's happy hour again. And look, it's almost noon already! 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True, it was something the rest of us learned in first grade, but what the hell. Welcome to the club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about everyone else's grammatical errors. 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There's just something sexy about an unpredictable person. Excitement. Adventure. Danger. Yeah, okay. The danger thing is a little unsettling. Especially after they've had a few cocktails and fourteen jello shots in under an hour. But what the heck. At least you'll have some good stories to tell come Monday.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eJello Shots Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 17 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e  \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446954147918,"sku":"SLI-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-the-slightly-unhinged-975.webp?v=1726756764"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-zero-fucks","title":"A Candle for Zero Fucks","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eNone to give.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWe hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. 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And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don't feel guilty about it. It's exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don't want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eMojito Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 17 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e  \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446954672206,"sku":"DAY-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-day-drinking-286.webp?v=1726756789"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-karma","title":"A Candle for Karma","description":"\u003ch2\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eWhat goes around...\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/h2\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes around, we hope. And we're not necessarily talking about tricky STDs here, although, y'know, you reap what you sow. Hey! We didn't invent karma. You put all that good stuff out into the universe and you're supposed to get it back, whether through good fortune, or limited-time, minimum-purchase-required Olive Garden coupons, or whatever else it is you truly desire. And if you put those bad, icky vibes out there—not our fault. You know the deal. No free breadsticks coupons in your mailbox, pal. Not a one.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eLaughing Buddha (Indian Sandalwood) Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eFragrance: Indian Sandalwood\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 10 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446956703822,"sku":"OKA-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-karma-277.webp?v=1726756929"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-its-only-frickin-tuesday","title":"A Candle for It's Only Frickin' Tuesday","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eUggggggh...\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHow is it only TUESDAY? It’s been a full year since the work week started. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And Glen in the next cubicle. Ghod. If he doesn’t stop loudly smacking his gum and clicking his pen like some kind of deranged one-man band hoping for a record deal that will never happen, I’m going to write a scathing anonymous note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing anonymous notes.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGum-Smacking Co-Worker (Spearmint) Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 10 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e  \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446956769358,"sku":"FRI-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-its-only-frickin-tuesday-779.webp?v=1726756940"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-a-mans-man","title":"A Candle for a Man's Man","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eSmells like Alaska\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOr what you imagine Alaska smells like while you're watching reality TV and eating Cheetos on the recliner. We think it probably smells like wet bear fur and salmon, or a toasty campfire in the middle of a blizzard. Our \u003cstrong\u003eSoap for A Man's Man\u003c\/strong\u003e smells more like the latter because we're pretty sure you don't want to wander around town smelling like wet fur and fish.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eBlizzard Campfire Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 10 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e  \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446956867662,"sku":"MAN-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-mans-man-565.webp?v=1726756952"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-the-middle-child","title":"A Candle for The Middle Child","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWho are you again?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003ePurple Haze (Grape) Scented\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNet Weight: Approximately 10 oz.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eBurn time: 60 hours\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eNote: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e© 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e  \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Whiskey River Soap Co.","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":39446959882318,"sku":"MID-C","price":27.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0262\/1433\/4542\/files\/a-candle-for-the-middle-child-196.webp?v=1727299580"},{"product_id":"a-candle-for-introverts","title":"A Candle for Introverts","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003ePeople suck.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat’s why you prefer to stay inside with your vintage stuffed animal collection. 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